


The Missing Something

by Rachel_Lu



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (1963), Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Best Friends, College, Confessions, F/M, Love Confessions, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-03
Updated: 2015-10-15
Packaged: 2018-04-24 15:25:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4924891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rachel_Lu/pseuds/Rachel_Lu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John and Rose, best friends and neighbors since they were young.  It was always sort of a given that they'd be nothing more... Until it wasn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Keep in mind that this is an AU so things are bound to be different. Thanks!

A five year old Rose Tyler lay on the ground with a seven year old John Smith, who loved to babble about starts and spacemen and galaxies.  Sometimes she tuned him out, being five years old and all, but sometimes she listened.  It was genuinely interesting on occasion, after all, but John was a science man, and Rose liked picture books.

"-Aliens," John finished, and Rose realized she hadn't listened to a single word that had come out of his mouth within the last few minutes.

"What?"

"There's got to be aliens."

"Why?"

"Because there can't be just us."

"Why?"

"Because I _said_ so, Rose."

"Aliens are yucky," Rose wrinkled her nose.  "Green and three fingers."  She waved her thumb, pointer and middle fingers at him to demonstrate.

John was quiet for a few moments, as though he were thinking as deep as possible.  "Maybe they look like us."

"That's stupid."

"You're stupid."

"Okay."

"No!" John sat up and looked at her with a shocked expression on his face.  "You're not supposed to agree with me when I say that."

"Why not?" Rose asked, sitting up with him.  You...  You're bigger, and smarter.  I am stupid."

"You're not stupid," John said firmly,  "I was only teasing you."  He shot her a look.  "Don't let anyone tell you you're stupid, okay?"

"Okay."

A seven year old Rose Tyler and nine year old John Smith played in the backyard, Rose's mum and John's granddad looking on. 

"You think they'll get married one day?" Jackie Tyler mused.

John's grandfather, Wilfred, smiled softly.  "I hope so."

"But what if the aliens come?" Rose shouted before tackling John to the ground.

He laughed and pushed her off him.  "Don't you know?  We'd be friends with the aliens.  They'd like us because we knew we liked them."

She got to her feet and looked up into the sky.  "Where do you think the aliens are right now?"

John got up with her and pointed along her line of sight, towards a big cloud.  "Hiding behind there, looking out for us."

"Why do they care about us?"

"Because we're important, Rose Tyler."  He said firmly, as if that settled the matter entirely.  She smiled wistfully at the thought.

"Yeah." 

A ten year old Rose struggled with a twelve year old John Smith as they sat in the living room doing homework together.

"You have a crush on her?"  Rose asked.

"I don't know," John replied.  "Maybe?"

"I think you should probably know if you have a crush on her or not," Rose replied. 

John seemed to ponder this for a moment, feeling confused.  "Do you have a crush on anyone?"

"No."

"Yes you do."

"I really don't."

"Why not?"

"Because all the boys do is pull my hair," she admitted.  "I don't like it."

"No, I guess you wouldn't.  Do you want me to talk to them?"

Rose thought on that for a moment, because deep down she knew it was probably a bad idea for John to talk to them, because even though John didn't like to fight, he'd get the entire population of the school to agree that "Rose hair-pulling" was completely off limits.

"I want you to tell me about the girl you have a crush on."

John huffed, frustrated, "I don't even know if I have a crush on her!"

A thirteen year old Rose Tyler busted into the Smith household, a bag  under her arm and cheeks bitten from the cold.  Without even asking for permission (not that she really needed it at this point, she darted up the stairs to John's room and knocked on the door, waiting anxiously for him to answer.  He swung the door open and smiled at her.  "Winter picnic!" He announced.  He grabbed the bag from her and ran past her towards the stairs.  They ran down them together, giggling to themselves. 

"Be careful," Wilfred shouted after them, but he was smiling, not even sure if they could hear them. 

"This was such a mad idea!" Rose shouted as they ran for the big tree that stood in the corner of the neighborhood.  John gave her a boost once they reached it. 

"Oh, completely mad," he agreed, following her up, "But at least if we fall our bones will shatter and not break, with as cold as it is.  Fun story for the hospital."

Rose giggled.  "Always with the silver lining, you."

"Somebody's got to do the positivity thing, don't you think?" John asked as they settled onto the tree across from each other on a large branch.  He fished through the bag and handed Rose her grilled cheese sandwich before pulling his own out.  "Would it kill your mother to get a thermos?"

"She didn't like the idea, said I'd fall and die," Rose admitted.  "Isn't that stupid?"

"Nah, it's dangerous, but what's life without a little danger?" John waggled his eyebrows at her and she giggled.

They ate in a comfortable silence for a few moments, watching each other and then glancing at their surroundings.  They'd giggle around mouthfuls of sandwich, remembering what a mad thing they were doing.  Rose swung one of her feet back and forth and looked away from John for a beat,  "I got asked to that dance."

"Did you?" John mused.  "By who?"

"Jimmy Stone."

"Gross."

"Oi!  You don't know him!" Rose retorted.  

"Neither do you," John pointed out.  "Just didn't think you'd want a guy like that to be your first... Date, you know?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Rose asked, already feeling awkward in her own body, and now, feeling very defensive indeed. 

"He's kissed at least six other girls, Rose, you want to be the seventh?"

"I don't see anyone else lining up to kiss me, and everyone else has had their first.  Even you!" She slouched a bit as she sat and noticed that John wasn't answering.  She peered up at him again.  "You... You have, right?  You said-"

"-I lied," John blurted out.  "I didn't kiss Becca, I don't even think I wanted to, but it was just easy for everyone to believe that, you understand that, don't you?"

Rose blinked and nodded.  "Yeah, but I wish you hadn't lied to me."

"I'm sorry."

"That's okay."

"No, you're right, I shouldn't have lied to you."

"I know, John, I said it was okay."

"It's not," John replied firmly.  "Don't ever let me or anyone else lie to you, Rose, you deserve better.  Alright?"

"Okay."

A fourteen year old Rose cried in her bedroom until a sixteen year old John knocked on her window as quietly as humanly possible.  She lifted her tear stained eyes to the glass and saw the worried expression on his face.  She really never wanted him to see her like this, and the times when he had had been severely limited.  She sighed and got to her feet, straightening her ripped spring formal dress before making sure her door was closed and opening the window.

"Hi," he whispered, watching her face.

"Hi.  Do you want to come in?"

"You're not surprised to see me?" John furrowed his brows and climbed in the window as Rose walked back to sit on her bed. 

"No.  You always seem to know when I need you or something.  Do you remember last year when you said I would be the seventh?"

"Seventh what?"

"Kiss.  Jimmy Stone's seventh girl to kiss."

"That was last year, and you didn't kiss him.  Something's gone to your head," he chastised lightly as he shut the window behind him.  "You went stag to this dance, if you remember."

"Yeah, well, we started talking and we... We went out back."

"Rose!  You didn't!"

She shushed him and glared at the door before locking it, just in case.  She sent him a glare.  "No, and I wasn't going to, I just thought we were going to kiss, but he didn't seem to want to stop with the kissing and then he ripped my dress as I got away."

"How did your mum not see you?"

"Dead to the world on the couch, EastEnders marathon," She said shortly.  "Barely even knew I came home."

John walked up to her carefully and held his arms out for her.  With a heavy sigh she put her arms around his neck and relaxed visibly as he moved his arms to hold her close.  It was true, he did know when she needed him, every time, no matter when or where it was, he was going to be there, like it was a rule.  He hugged her as if their lives depended on it, and that was pretty great, as far as he could see.

"I'm sorry," he whispered to her.

She pulled away from him and shrugged, trying to dry her tears.  "It's fine, I was sort of asking for it, I guess, leaving with him like that."

"No," John replied firmly, "You never ask for it unless you open your mouth and ask for it, which you clearly didn't do.  He was trying to take advantage of you, Rose.  Please, don't ever see him again."

"I won't," Rose whispered.  "But what a waste," she laughed humorlessly, "That was my first kiss, and it was awful."

John looked at her for a  moment, and it seemed as though he was really making an effort to figure out how to fix it, and his expression made her giggle for real, as his eyebrows drew together in concentration.  He hummed in the back of his throat and paced across her bedroom.  She sat at the foot of her bed and watched him go back and forth, sure he was wearing a hole through the carpet.

"I've got it," he said finally, "You deserve a better first kiss than that, Rose, stand up."

Shaking, understanding exactly where this was going, she got to her feet and stared up into his eyes.  "John?"

"But I want you to want it," John said, as though she hadn't spoken.  "I don't want to force myself on you, I want you to say that you want me to cover it up.  Because I will."

"You don't want to," Rose tried to point out.

John frowned at her.  "I don't think that's quite true."

Rose blinked in surprise, but she wasn't naïve enough to think that even if she said yes and let him kiss her that anything would change between them.  They'd be the same, John and Rose, and nothing more.  No matter that sometimes when she looked at him she got a weird feeling in her stomach that she couldn't figure out for her life.  Never mind that every time she saw him she wanted to put her hands in his hair.  She'd never wanted to put her hands in someone's hair before, and it felt weird and wrong and awful.  Except that it also felt wonderful and she... She _wanted_ to kiss him.  And if he wasn't lying, he wanted to kiss her too.

"Okay, then."

"You have to say it, Rose, I won't make you do anything, I'm not Jimmy Stone."

"Okay, I want you to." 

He approached her carefully and cupped her cheeks in his hands, stroking his thumbs over the apples of her cheeks.  He moved them up to swipe her cheeks away.  "I don't ever want a boy to make you cry," he said softly, and that almost started the tears all over again, but she let her eyes flutter closed instead. 

He leaned forward and she could feel his breath against her lips for a moment and was afraid he was hesitating before he closed the distance and pressed his lips to hers. 

It should've been awkward, kissing her best friend, but it wasn't.  And what was scarier was that she liked it.  A lot. 

They learned together, because Rose really hadn't known what she was doing when she'd kissed Jimmy earlier, but she knew a standard first kiss was chaste and deliberate, and that was it.  They both waited, and neither of them pulled away.  She felt John's mouth open over hers, gently probing her lips with his tongue, and she was loath to refuse him anything, especially when he'd been so good to her for so long.  She opened her mouth and they learned that together, too.  Rose remembered with a near-pang that this was his first.  And although it was awkward, learning tongues and where to put hands and mouths, it didn't feel wrong.

John's hands moved to her waist and he pulled her close.  Her arms wound around his neck and she found she really didn't want to stop kissing him.  He seemed to feel the same way, and the only sound in the room was the sudden gasps of breath when one of them realized they liked something.  Eventually, John pulled away from her with a final press of the lips. 

"Jimmy who?" John said triumphantly, and Rose couldn't help but laugh.  She pulled him into a hug and couldn't help but wish things would change after this, that maybe there would be something between them.  But she wasn't foolish enough to believe that, and she never had been. 

She wanted to tell him all of that.  But instead she said, "You're my best friend."

She could feel him smiling against her hair.  "You're my best friend too."

The only thing Rose could think about after that was what she was going to do when he went to Uni in a couple of years and left her behind.

"Have a good night, Rose," he said quietly as he pulled away from her.

"Better now," she said firmly, and he smiled.

"I'm glad."

He disappeared out her window and Rose was left to drop onto her bed and try to sort out her hormones.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I Wouldn't Mind by He is We is a great companion song for this chapter

Swimming.  A popular pastime among young people, and John, Rose, and their friend Shireen had done quite a bit of it in the past, when they were young.  In the summer, especially since it was their last summer together before John went to Uni, they enjoyed doing it.  Until, that was, John noticed Rose filled out her swimsuit... Rather nicely. 

They were a fair distance away from Rose, really, in the shallow end of the swimming pool, waiting for her to take off her cover up and sunscreen up.  John really couldn't help but notice, even if she was his best friend and thoughts like that were completely inappropriate, that she was rather fit.

"Is that... Uh, is that new?" He asked Shireen nervously, scratching the back of his head and feigning nonchalance. 

Her lip twitched.  She knew exactly where this was headed, and it didn't even matter because she would swan off and find a boy to spend the day with, like she always did.  She made a mental note to watch from afar, though.  "Course it's new, you plum, we get new ones every summer."

"Okay, yeah, but I've never seen her in one so-"

"-Small?"

He gulped.  Audibly.  "Yes.  Small."

"S'okay, you know.  I think you should notice things like that about her.  It's cute."

John couldn't push down the blush that crept up his cheeks.  "I don't have a crush on Rose, don't be stupid."

"Right, you're just sexually into her."

"Shireen!"

She grinned at her success.  "You can look, John.  That's why girls wear swimsuits like that, you know.  We like being looked at."

John seemed to be just a bit curious at that.  He turned to her cautiously.  "You...  You think Rose likes being looked at?"

"You didn't think she picked that out cause it was aerodynamic, did you?" She scoffed, "She's gorgeous, got all those curves and what not.  I was there when she bought it."

"And... Did she mention this, wanting to be looked at?"  He tried to sound casual and had the odd feeling that he was failing immensely.

"Oh, yeah.  She likes the attention."

"But after Jimmy-"

"-Jimmy was one bloke, John.  Besides, it's been an entire year, did you think she was gonna join a convent after that night?"

He remembered kissing her and severely hoped that she was not thinking about a convent that night.  "Of course not."

"Right then, you should be happy she's finally getting the attention she craves.  She's never had a boyfriend, you know.  Thinks she might change that this year."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, maybe we'll see the guy at Hendrik's who's in our year.  He's the checkout lad.  Almost drooled just scanning the barcode on the bloody suit when she bought it.  Probably picturing her in it."

John sputtered at that.  "That's disgusting."

"You can't say things like that and eye up her bum at the same time."

He averted his gaze and dove into the water away from her into deeper waters.  Shireen laughed and waited patiently for her friend to join her.  When she did, tying her hair up and furrowing her brows at where John was vigorously swimming laps.  "He alright?" She asked, dipping her feet into the water, getting used to the temperature.

"Yeah," Shireen said slowly, resisting the urge to add 'he's just thinking about how much he wants to bed you' onto it.

"He coming back?"

"I guess.  He's such a nutter."

Rose hummed in the back of her throat.  "He's probably thinking about constellations again, knowing him."

Shireen knew for a fact that he was not thinking about constellations. 

He eventually did return back to them, claiming a sudden burst of energy, which Rose accepted with a casual nod.  Shireen smiled and snuck off as the other two talked.  She always gave them time and distance, hoping they would talk about what they were, which of course, they never did. 

"You seem kind of antsy," Rose remarked as she played the water over her fingers, not noticing how he was staring at the exposed slope of her neck.  "Nervous about Uni?"

His eyes snapped to her face as she turned to him.  "Yeah, that's gotta be it."  He replied, trying to convince himself more than her.  "Not staying at home, you know, that's... Odd."

"Right."  She nodded, accepting his response easily, as she always did, and oh, he'd _lied_ to her.  He never wanted to do that again, he remembered, since he lied about his first kiss being with Becca.  It was her, it was Rose, her name he would write as a security question on websites which asked _"Who was your first kiss?"_

And of course, she would write Jimmy Stone, but he selfishly hoped that she would taste him on her lips as she typed the words, as foolish as it was.  He looked up from the water when she cleared her throat.  Oh.  She had been speaking, and he really had not been listening.

"Sorry, what?" He asked, blinking himself back to reality.

"We could get chips and stargaze in your backyard tonight, do a few familiar things before you go off to Uni," She repeated, "In the park behind your house, where there's that fence and we used to pretend it was just us in the world?  S'familiar."

"Yes," he said immediately, almost embarrassingly quickly, nodding vigorously.  "I think we should do that.  Seven okay?"

"It won't even be dark yet," She replied.  "Don't you think stargazing should wait until it's dark enough to see the stars?"

He watched her for a minute.  "You always were the smarter one."

She scoffed.  "Says the man going to school to study physics."

He wasn't sure why, but he liked that she called him a man.

***

Rose arrived at the park at nine o' clock, just as the sun was starting to set, chips in hand.  She saw him waiting, blanket spread out over the soft mulch that was the floor of the park, and smiled.  This was indeed, very familiar.  She walked up to him without announcing herself and lay down after setting the chips down next to him. 

"Show me the stars," she said grandly, in a posh accent that was certainly not her own.

She heard his deep chuckle next to her. "Chips, then stars," he said, quite as though that were the end of it, and of course it was.  She sat up, grinning, and picked up her own box of chips.

"Two days left in London," she mused.  "How are you feeling?"

"Scared," he admitted.  "Nervous, and I'm afraid I won't be able to see you before I go."

"You're seeing me right now," she said easily.  "We'll email, text, do all that stuff.  Soon enough you'll be home for Christmas."

He had to smile at her optimism.  "Right."

"Don't say it like it's not gonna happen, I won't have that."

"Okay."

They sat in silence for a bit, eating until the stars began to come out.  Rose, just as when she was a child, had trouble listening to all of John's ramblings, especially now that his ramblings were more scientific and accurate.  But she liked his voice, so she never stopped him. 

And, as she had thought, they hadn't changed since the kiss, and they'd both kissed other people since then and compared notes, so she tried to move on.  She wrote that night off as nothing more than a friend trying to help his best friend erase a bad memory, which he had done efficiently. 

But some times she couldn't help but wonder what would've happened if things might've changed.  Of course, it was foolish, and she cut the daydreams off as soon as they began.

Having had nearly enough of the ramblings of stars, she stood up and held her hands out to him.  "Dance with me."

He looked startled to say the least.  "What?"

"Dance with me."

"Rose Tyler, there is no music."

"We have vocal chords.  Get up."

He laughed and got to his feet, pulling her close to him, one arm around her waist, and taking her hand in his free one.  "Alright, what are we singing?"

"We're humming. Something mindless, something mad." 

"You are so whimsical."

"Yes, I am.  Waltz us, Mr. Smith."

He smiled at her and they began to dance around the playground, avoiding equipment and giggling as they tripped over each other's feet.  When he was laughing too hard to hum, she picked it up, and vise versa, and that was a dance all in itself, one she enjoyed quite a lot, actually. 

They seemed to mutually decide it was time to stargaze again and they collapsed onto the blanket, laughing breathlessly.  Rose pointed up at a star blinking brighter than the others as he, unexpectedly, snuggled up to her side.  "The North Star.  It's right above us."

He was curled around her, his head rested on her shoulder, his arm wrapped around her waist, and leg on top of hers.  "Good work," he said, "That's the North Star, alright."

"S'beautiful."

"It's always been beautiful.  You're just looking now."  He lifted his head and stared down into her eyes, something changing behind his.  "Just now." He said, voice full of wonder.  "Do you ever ponder why you look at something day after day and then wonder why it's different when it gets a new coat of paint or something?"  he lifted his hand to stroke her cheek and she felt her breathing speed up.  "Bad analogy, but relevant all the same."

And with that he ducked his head and kissed her.

It was different this time, mostly because of the laying down thing, and because they were both more experienced now, thanks to other people.  His hand moved from her cheek to ghost down her side as hers rose to tangle in his hair.  She gripped it between her fingers, finding it her only anchor. 

John shifted slowly until he was laying over her, bracing himself up on one arm.  It was tender, how he touched her, and with each parting and joining of their lips.  His hand slid under her tshirt and she drew her knees up to give him more room between them, when there was a shout into the night.

"John Smith, it is eleven o'clock!  Get in this house and go to bed!" Wilfred shouted from the house.  Thanks to the fence, he was oblivious to the goings-on in the park.

"Past your curfew?" Rose teased as he pulled back.

He let out a breathless laugh and leaned down to bite gently at her jaw.  "Shut up."

"Make me."

"Oh, I was going to."

He stood and pulled her to her feet, and they gathered up their things together before Rose walked him to his house.  "Tomorrow?"  She asked.

"Tomorrow."  He agreed.

That was that. They would meet tomorrow.

***

The night before John left for Uni, Rose was actually getting sleep.  John had never followed through on what had happened in the park, so she tried to force herself to forget it, as difficult as that was. 

She would've gotten away with the whole forgetting thing if it hadn't been for a certain tousled, sort of brown boy outside her window.  He was getting very good at bracing himself on the siding, and she wondered where he developed such adept climbing skills.  She sat up in bed, staring at him, and got up to open the window. 

"Yeah?" She whispered.

He didn't say anything for a few moments, just toed off his trainers and threw himself into the center of her bed.  She locked the door (just in case one's mum came in and wondered what one was doing with a boy two years older in one's bed) and regarded him patiently until he was ready to talk. 

"I'm scared."

"I figured you would be, John, you're not as fearless as you pretend to be," she said, perching on the edge of her bed. 

He stared at her, his eyes very dark.  "Rose," he said simply, his voice strained. 

She moved to her knees on the bed, facing him.  "God, what's wrong with you?"  She asked worriedly. 

He sat up.  "I-" He clamped his mouth shut, looking at her helplessly.

"What is it?"

"It's you, it's me, it's Uni!"  He ran his hands through his hair.  "It's everything and nothing and I can't take it anymore."

And with that he pulled her so that she was lying under him on the bed, staring up at him, startled.  "John?"

"It's just us," he said pleadingly, "Just us."

She reached her hands up to cup his cheeks.  "It's just us," she agreed. 

He kissed her, harshly, demandingly, and she did her best to give as good as she got, matching his fervor and clinging to him, wondering why now but also not questioning it to his face because she knew it would ruin whatever was happening.

"We're too young," he gasped, but his words didn't match his actions as he kissed his way down her neck.  "We shouldn't be thinking about this at all."

"S'called hormones," Rose stated, running her hands up into his hair. 

"Exactly," he said breathlessly.  He pulled back from her.  "Just us."

"Just us."

"Okay," he laid down next to her, and after pulling the covers up around them, pulled her into a tight horizontal hug.  "Can I stay here until I have to get up for my train?"

"Of course," she replied, cuddling into him.  "Wake me before you leave."

"You're my best friend, Rose."

"And you're mine."

They fell asleep in each other's arms, and John woke her up at dawn, kissing her before shooting out the window at top speed before he was caught.  She didn't know what they were, but she liked it.

They texted and emailed and talked on the phone all through his first semester.

Imagine Rose Tyler's surprise when John Smith came home for the holidays with a woman on his arm.


	3. Chapter 3

She'd thought that maybe things would be different after the night before he left.  Apparently she had been the only one who thought so.  When John came in with a brunette girl on his arm, she nearly fainted due to the upset, which she felt completely stupid about.  She smiled and shook hands with the other girl, who's name was Melissa, and quickly dismissed herself from the party. 

She ran straight to the park and sat down, trying not to dry heave into the mulch.  This was stupid, all of it.  How could she expect him to wait for her when he'd been at uni for so long?  She couldn't, and she knew that, she knew that he didn't owe her anything, no matter what he'd done before he'd left. 

Not knowing what else to do, she pulled out her mobile with shaky hands and dialed in Shireen's number, pressing the phone to her ear with more force than probably necessary.  The second her friend picked up she blurted the entire story into the phone.  She started to shake with the tears and tried to push them down but couldn't quite manage it.

Shireen, who lived on the other end of the park, opposite John, promised to be over in a few moments.

True to her word, Rose's friend showed up and immediately gathered her up in her arms.  Rose allowed herself to collapse fully, everything feeling as though it was caving in on her.  This wasn't fair, none of it.  He'd led her on, hadn't he?  This hadn't been her fault.  Shireen sat with Rose and rocked her softly, murmuring words of encouragement, with an edge of anger towards John that Rose really did appreciate.

"He's a jerk."

"S'not his fault, Shireen, what did I expect?"

"You expected him to follow through on what he started the night before he left.  Anybody would've, Rose, I expected it too," Shireen sounded angry, like she wanted to get revenge.  "Look."

She pulled away from Rose and pointed up at a particularly bright star.  "That's John right now, yeah?"

"What?"

"Bear with me.  Tomorrow that star is going to be a little bit dimmer, cause we're farther from it.  That's John's sorry arse getting beat by karma.  Stand up."  Shireen got to her feet and pulled Rose with her.  "Turn your back on that star."

Rose watched the star for a moment.  It really was beautiful, and she supposed that was Shireen's point.  Sniffing, she nodded and turned to face Shireen's neighborhood, away from John's house and away from the star.  She felt Shireen's hand slip into hers and trembled as she tried to stop crying.

"Let it out," She said quietly.  Rose's knees buckled underneath her and she collapsed to the ground, the mulch digging into her knees and the cold biting her skin.  Shireen followed her down and rubbed her back.  She didn't want to be angry at John, because he was her friend too, but this wasn't fair to Rose, and she knew that better than anyone. 

"You'll be expected back at the party," she whispered, "He'll want to talk to you.  You know that."

Rose nodded.  "I'm being stupid."

"You're not.  Don't ever say that.  This isn't stupid.  I was supposed to go to the party too, you know.  Let's get you fixed up and go back together, yeah?"

Rose nodded and Shireen helped her to her feet.  The two girls walked back to Rose's house and fixed Rose up, making sure she was as sparkling as ever before heading back over to John's.  When they got there, Wilfred immediately swooped down on Rose, asking her what was wrong and if she was sick and did she need to go home?  If she did, that was alright, he understood. 

She smiled and shook her head, no, she was fine, and they started to look around the party, talking to old friends and people from the neighborhood.  It was only a matter of time before John noticed Rose and immediately came in to giver her a hug, Melissa absent from his side.  Rose allowed herself to hug him back, just for a moment, biting more tears back, before pulling away and smiling, moving quietly next to Shireen.

"I missed you," he said, a big smile on his face.

"I missed you too," she said honestly.

"Me too," Shireen threw in, and John smiled at her, though not quite as brightly as he had for Rose. 

He threw her a wink.  "You too."  He turned to Rose again and furrowed his brows.  "You're blonde now."

Rose nodded.  "It was time for a change," she said dryly, and only Shireen knew the meaning behind the words.  She felt a twinge of pride for her friend.

"Oh."

"That Adam bloke said he liked your hair like that," Shireen pointed out, and Rose blushed involuntarily.

"Yeah, he did."

Rose didn't miss the change in John's eyes, she knew him too well.  He watched her for a moment.  "Adam?  You've got a bloke now?"

"Maybe I do," Rose said evasively.

"Kissed her share of them at parties.  She must be getting good at it."  Shireen said it so breezily it was almost like it wasn't a lie.

Rose grinned and shrugged.  "Is uni as wild as they say?  Maybe that's nothing to you."

"No," John replied sharply, then seemed to realize what he was doing.  "No, I mean, it's not nothing.  I don't really go to parties, I've got a lot of work."

"Then how'd you meet Melissa?" Shireen asked conversationally. 

John opened and closed his mouth a couple of times.  "Around campus, you know how it is."

Rose hummed in the back of her throat.  "Yeah, guess I do."

Shireen was not, by any means, a stupid girl.  She could sense the tension between the two and had a feeling that there was about to be a talk, and, as she normally did, slipped off into the crowd.

"Can I talk to you?" John blurted out only a few seconds after Shireen had left.

Rose was startled to say the least, and a little bit uncomfortable.  "We...  We are talking."

"No, I need to talk to you," he said, his voice urgent, and she nodded, letting him lead her away, but refusing to let him take her by the hand.  Her surprise only gathered more when he ducked them both into a large broom cupboard upstairs, blocking the door behind them and pulling the little cord that shed only a touch of light on them.

"What on Earth are you doing?" Rose spat at him, backing away.

"How many blokes have you kissed since me?"  He asked, more as though he was blurting it out then actually asking a conscious question. 

She blinked.  "That's what you're worried about?"

"Yes."

She thought for a moment.  Of course, there had been a couple, but Shireen had made it sound like there had been loads, and even if that had been true, it wasn't information she was willing to throw at him just because he asked, especially since he hadn't told her about Melissa.

"You're daft."

"What?"

"You're daft. You haven't seen me in how many months and you're worried about who I've been snogging?"  She raised her eyebrows, emphasizing her last word.

"Yes!"

"Well, none of them had mouth herpes, _Doctor_ Smith, I made sure of that."  She said sarcastically.

He furrowed his brows at her, "You're being a bit hostile," he remarked.

"Because you're a bit in my business, John.  Yes, I've kissed blokes, and by the looks of it, you've kissed girls, so I really don't know what difference it makes on either side."  She could feel the heat in her cheeks, anger burning her.  This was none of his business.  And all this talk of kissing did little to keep away thoughts of kissing him, of doing all the things they'd done that night.  "Things are clearly different now," she said, quieter now.  "I have to go home."

"No you don't," John replied, catching her arm, "Your mum is still here."

"I've got things to do," she wrenched away from him.  "You'll see me at some point, I'm sure.  Besides, you have guests, you can't spend your party with me in a broom closet."

"Jooohhn?" A feminine voice Rose had already identified as Melissa's floated down the hall.  Rose quickly masked whatever her feelings were and looked up into his face.  She smiled easily at him, as if she weren't choking on tears at the moment.  "Might want to slip out."

"In a minute," he ground out quietly through clenched teeth.  He was telling her to be quiet. Well, two could play at that game.  She threw him a wicked smile and shoved a broom into the wall, causing a loud clattering sound.  John winced and glared at her in response.

Rose ran her hand roughly along the wall, towards John, and stopped right before his shoulder before letting out a breathy sigh.  John's eyes bugged out at her, now understanding what she was doing, but he didn't seem to be doing anything to stop her.

"John?"  Melissa's voice came through the door, and Rose froze with a fake expression of surprise on her face.  She gasped out of faux shock, but it didn't exactly sound like shock and she knew John could tell, almost delighted in the fact. 

John reached out and grabbed her hands, holding them to his chest and shaking his head.  They waited and she watched him until Melissa's footsteps trudged a safe distance away.

Rose wrenched her hands from John's grasp.  "I'll go out the back, save you some embarrassment.  Maybe I'll see you tomorrow."

Without giving him a chance to respond, she slipped out of the broom cupboard and darted out the back door, letting the tears fall afresh.

This was not fair.

He knocked on her window that night, and she lay with her back to the window, pretending she didn't hear him.  He knocked louder and she curled into a ball.  She heard his huff of irritation and shuffling as he descended back to the ground.

The next morning, she saw that he'd left a note.

_"I like the blonde."_

She tore it to shreds and blew it out of her hand into the cold winder air, where it belonged.

She went stargazing that night, on the opposite end of the park where she had with John, but as luck would have it, he found her lying there.  She pretended she didn't see him for a moment, then acknowledged him with a short hum.  He took it as an invitation and sat down awkwardly next to her.

"I'm sorry."

She looked at him, surprised for a moment.  "Yeah?  Can't imagine why."

"I don't know what I did, Rose, but something's wrong, and I want to fix it.  I want to fix us."  He seemed desperate, and for a moment she almost felt sorry for him.

"You can't fix us," she said quietly.  "You know, you sort of led me on."

"That was never the intention."

"That's an odd thing to say a few short months after your tongue was in my mouth and all that talk of 'just us'.  It's not just us, and it was never going to be."

He made a frustrated noise.  "Rose, it's always been you and me, since we were kids.  Besides, you've kissed other blokes."

"God, why does that even matter?" She sat up.  "The point is, none of them ever stuck.  Maybe one will, now."  She made to stand but he grabbed her ankle, keeping her from moving.

"What do you mean by that?" He demanded.

She looked at him sadly.  "If you can't figure it out, I really don't want to spell it out, it's just embarrassing now.  Goodnight, John."

Lightening fast, he pressed a kiss to her cheek and stood up with her.  "Dance with me, Rose."

She closed her eyes.  "I will not be your second choice, John Smith."

He had nothing to say to that.

She left him standing there in the playground, his hand out for hers and a shocked expression on his face.


	4. Chapter 4

Rose was not one to lay down and take anything from a guy, no matter who he was or how long she'd known him.  She texted him saying she wouldn't be available tonight, she and Shireen were going clubbing.  In response, he called her, asking when she started clubbing.  She simply said that she and Shireen had picked it up when he'd left.  That wasn't a lie, the two of them had gone out together to clubs and Rose had to admit that she didn't much hate it.

The two of them got ready together, Rose in a tight gold miniskirt and black top, Shireen in a tight pair of jeans and a blue halter top.  The two of them had always gathered a lot of attention and now that Rose wasn't waiting on John anymore, she had a feeling she could finally enjoy it.  She told Shireen as much, who agreed heartily. 

As Rose was touching up her eyelashes, there was a knock at the door.  Rose gazed at Shireen, knowing who it most likely was, and not really wanting to answer it.  Shireen shook her head in reply and then shrugged.  "He's not coming with us."

Rose nodded.  He wasn't, that was that, and she wasn't going to insist.  The knocking came again and the girls waited for the shuffling of footsteps.

"Am I being cruel?" Rose asked quietly before bending down to pick up her high heeled shoes. 

Shireen shook her head violently, shaking her curls around her head.  "You know John's my friend too, but he needs to sod off.  He's made his choice and he's being an ass to you about it."

The only thing Rose could do was nod.  She knew that Shireen was right after all, there was nothing to be done.  She'd waited for him.  She wanted to wait for him, she wasn't aching to run off with someone else, to be with anyone else.  Apparently, she'd been the only of the two of them that had felt that way.  So she'd been wrong, that was okay.  Shireen was convinced she needed to meet someone tonight, and now she was bound and determined to. 

"You need a hookup."

"I need a good snog," Rose corrected, "Just a good time, that's all, it's not about him anymore, and that's okay.  Get my mind off of things."

"Just as good," Shireen announced, grabbing her friend's hand and heading towards the door.  "Let's go!"

It wasn't hard for either Shireen or Rose to gather attention at the club.  The both of them looked rather gorgeous, always did, and they thrived in social settings.  Rose was almost immediately in the middle of the dancing, her arms up and letting the beat pulse through her.  By the time she'd headed towards the bar, she had three men offer to buy her drinks.  She accepted the one of the most attractive and took the seat next to him.

"Haven't seen you around here before," the man shouted over the music.

She smiled and took a sip of the mixed drink he'd bought for her.  "I've been here before.  Not since the summer."

"Summer, eh?  You're dressed for it," he teased.

"Everyone is!  Work quite up a sweat in here," she grinned at him, her tongue between her teeth, and the man laughed in response.

"Fair enough.  Would you like to dance?"

Rose thought of John for a single moment, and how he'd asked her to dance, but pushed the thought aside.  That was over now, it was all over.  It was never just them, as John had always said, as he'd tried to convince her.  She nodded and stood with the man, letting him lead her by the hand to the dance floor.

"What's your name?"  She asked conversationally as they faced each other and his hands went to her hips.  She rested her forearms on his shoulders and laced her fingers behind his head.

"Steven," He told her, "How about you?"

"I'm Rose," she replied, sending him another winning smile.

That was sort of that.  The night went dance after dance, growing closer and closer, as she tried to push John from her mind.  Without thinking about the consequences, soon into their seventh dance, she lunged forward and pressed her lips to his. 

Unbeknownst to Rose, John was there.  He told himself it was just to check on her, to make sure she was alright and safe.  He watched her from afar, his brow furrowed, and the second she kissed the other man that was holding her, his insides twisted painfully.  He knew he had no right to feel that way when Melissa was at her hotel, patiently waiting for him to call her and say goodnight, but he couldn't seem to tear his eyes away from Rose.  She was glowing.  She always was.  He'd seen that, he'd known her.  She scared him.  Melissa was safe.

"You're pretty stupid, you know that?" Shireen said from where she had seemingly materialized next to him. 

He jolted and turned to her.  "Thank you."

"I mean it," She said, sipping her beer.  "You know, you're one of my best friends in this entire blasted world but him-?" She pointed at the man who was dancing with-and now snogging- Rose.  "That could've been you, and I think somewhere deep down you know that."

"Shireen, stop it," John said curtly, "She's... She's Rose, she's not some shag."

"That's what she is to that bloke," Shireen replied, shrugging.  "I've seen her kiss guys, yeah, but never like that.  Isn't that mad?"

John felt his stomach sink and tried to keep his tone light.  "What do you mean, never like that?  There can't be that many ways to kiss."

"Obviously you don't do a lot of snogging," Shireen snorted.  "This..." She paused, unsure if she should say it or not.  "This is snogging with intent."

"You think she would?"

"She would've with you," Shireen shot back.  "Don't think I don't know what happened the night before you went to uni.  She held onto that night for ages, thinking about it, dreaming about the day you'd come back and take her in your arms and tell her you wanted her," she paused.  "I really shouldn't have said any of that, but the point still stands.  Could've been you, tonight."

"It can never be me," John replied, "I've got Melissa now, and she... She's wonderful, attentive, beautiful-"

"-But she doesn't know your favorite cereal, or the book that you keep under your pillow, or any of your secrets," Shireen shot back, eyes blazing.  "Rose knows.  Rose cares, and she has always wanted to know.  She wanted to be everything for you, John.  It's really too bad that you lost your chance, isn't it?"

"Obviously she's not the only one that knows if you know, right?" John asked, feeling the anger towards his friend mounting. 

"Who do you think told me?"

John closed his eyes.  He wasn't sure why he'd come anymore.  It was stupid, all of it, a poor decision, as he watched her kissing somebody else, and knowing he'd held her that same way.  And on top of that, the kissing seemed to be escalating, the man's hands wandering and Rose not doing a bloody thing to fight him off. 

"I'm going home."

"It could still be you," Shireen told him, "She'd throw that guy to the side to be with you.  But you've already made up your mind, so you might as well stay away from her."

"I'll see you later, Shireen," John replied, almost sounding as if he hadn't heard her.  He pulled his coat on and left the club, Shireen shaking her head as he left. 

Rose could feel it escalating, knew it was, and knew she wanted to stop it.  She wasn't ready for the entire 'pick-up' situation just yet.  She needed it, though.  She pulled away from Steven with a gasp and brushed her lips along his ear.  "I think you should give me your number, and I'll call you tomorrow."

She heard him chuckle and he nodded against her cheek.  "Sounds good."

They moved to a dark corner, away from the dance floor, and exchanged numbers away from the madness, talking as they did so. 

"You really are beautiful, Rose," Steven said quietly, brushing a piece of hair back from her face.

She smiled at him.  "Thank you."

"It's true," he furrowed his brows.  "Do people not tell you that?"

"No," Rose laughed.  "Not really.  It's not really something I'm used to hearing."

Steven smiled and cupped her cheeks.  "They should."

He kissed her again, as if they had all the time in the world, and Rose felt... Wanted.  And so she let it continue, because she knew this man would not push her any farther than she wanted to go, and that was something that she planned to revel in.

Shireen and Rose walked back to Rose's house together, giggling and only a little drunk.  Shireen was brilliant at the whole 'drunk' thing, though, she'd done it enough, and was able to swallow down spilling the beans about John to Rose. Rose, however, had a bit less of a filter. 

They really hadn't expected to run into John, but they all lived in the same neighborhood, so in retrospect Rose supposed she should've seen it coming.  She gave him a little wave and smiled.  "Hi, John."

"Rose," he smiled at her, and she saw his eyes crinkling in amusement.  "Do you need some help getting home?"

"Nah, got Shireen!" Rose said, and though she was drunk, John liked to pretend that everything between them was the same for just a few minutes. 

"Also had that bloke," Shireen said flirtatiously, trying for a wink and not quite managing it.

John's smile faded.  "Oh."  He'd hoped Rose would've shut the man down.

Rose blushed and kicked at a stone.  "Yeah, got his number.  Shireen, don't let me forget to call him tomorrow."  She lifted her beaming gaze to John.  "He said I was beautiful," she said, biting her lip.

"You are," John insisted, trying not to show too much emotion through the words.

Rose's smile faded.  "That's okay, you don't have to say it just because he did.  Goodnight, John," she offered him a smile and pulled Shireen along with her, who sent him a meaningful look. 

John tried to bite back unnecessary tears as he smiled after them.  And why, exactly, did he want to cry?  He shook his head and disappeared into his house to give Melissa a call.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

John went back to Uni and he and Rose continued their conversations, though things were a little more curt on Rose's end, and he was reeling with it.  He missed her long stories about classes and teachers and the phone calls that lasted hours.  The many text messages she sent said things but at the same time said nothing at all, and it was driving him a little bit spare. 

The one thing she had revealed was that she had been seeing Steven more.  He was apparently very good to her, told her she was beautiful, never pushed him too far, held her tight through scary movies.  All the things John had wanted to do with her in high school, but had been too afraid to say.  Every time she told him, he pretended to be happy for her.  He pretended he was happy.  Why wasn't he happy?  He had everything, a beautiful girlfriend, excellent classes, and yet here he was, jealous of his best friend's love life. 

She seemed too happy in her messages for him to suspect anything was wrong.  He decided to shoot her a text late one night, just to see if she would respond.  " _You up?"_

He waited patiently.  He waited very patiently.  He was definitely being patient about it, it was ridiculous to think that he wasn't patient. Very, very, very

_Beep._

It was embarrassing, the speed at which he leapt up from his desk and shot to his nightstand, where he'd left his phone.  His roommate looked up from his desk, a startled look on his face.  "Are you alright?" He asked.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, just been waiting on this."

"It's two in the morning."

"Yeah?  Well, you're up too."

"Fair enough."

Finished with distractions, he set back on his desk chair and looked at the text.

_Yes.  Are you okay?_

He ran a hand through his hair and calculated a response.  _Yeah.  Just desperately bored and in need of a chat._

_Don't know why you thought to contact me._

He furrowed his brows at that.  What was that supposed to mean?  Of course, he couldn't just ask her.  That would imply that he thought something was wrong with her, and even if he did think that, did she really need to know that?  He worried about her, yes, but that... That wasn't the point.

_Because you're my best friend-?_

_Ah. Yes._

_Lucky it's a weekend and you're_   _up._ And why, exactly, was she up? 

_Well, I just got home._

_From what?_

_I was with Steven, we went to see a midnight showing of a film._

_Ah._

_Ah?_

_Ah._

She didn't respond, and he didn't really know how he expected her to.  After all, he'd just cut off the conversation.  And oh, look, the messages made it look (very suspiciously) that he was jealous.  He was not jealous.  No.  That was foolish of him.  So he texted her again.

_Did you have a good time._

_Yes, I did, thank you._

She was being so... Cordial. Polite.  She wasn't telling him about horrible things that had happened on the date, like she used to with other blokes, like how they chewed the popcorn too loud or tried to get an arm around her barely five minutes into the movie.  She was acting like nothing had gone wrong.

_No 'Popcorn-Chewing Godzillas' tonight?_

_haha.  No, he's fine._

_Do you love him?_

_No._

Why did he get excited at that?  He needed to end this conversation before whatever this was got out of hand.  It was already halfway there to begin with, anyway.  He ruffled his hair with his hand and texted her again.

_I should be getting to bed, I have class tomorrow._

_Okay.  Goodnight._

_Goodnight._

_You plum, you already basically said goodnight in the last message.  Go to bed._

Something about her usual sass made him smile, and he was inspired to get the rest his body had been craving for hours.

***

Somehow, Rose was feeling a bit more confused on her end.  First of all, a text that late was odd, even for him.  She tried not to address, even in her mind, the question he'd asked.  "Are you in love with him?"  What kind of question was that.  She'd never asked him that.  Mostly because she'd always been afraid of the answer.  She tried to ignore it all and threw on her pajamas, more than ready to get into bed and sleep until noon.

She threw herself onto the bed, groaning in anguish.  She didn't want to think about it.  She wanted to love Steven, wanted him to mean as much to her as John did, but it didn't seem that was going to happen.  She maneuvered under the covers and flipped her light off.  She was sick of these games.  That's what they were doing, whether he realized it or not.  Playing games.  He was with Melissa, she was with Steven.  But she knew, for a fact, that they texted each other more than they did their significant others.

She covered her face with her hands.  What was it going to be like when he came home for the summer.  Surely, awful.  Especially if he brought Melissa with him.  Of course, he would want to spend time with her and Shireen, they were his best friends after all.  But that didn't necessarily mean she wanted to see him that much.  When they were kids and unattached to other people it was easier.  Somehow, it was easier to ignore that they were attracted to each other, almost like magnets.  No matter what, they found their way back to each other. 

She was tired of waiting for him.

And that's why she had been going out with Steven.  To make it easier, and he was a wonderful guy, but his hand didn't fit with hers quite right and he didn't always understand the questions she asked.  And she had a lot of questions.  John would always take time with her to find the answer.  Even though he was subconsciously being a prat.  It wasn't really fair.  She still wanted him.

Rose shut that train of thought down right then. It wasn't fair to her or to Steven, so she steeled her resolve then.

Yes.  Summer would be awful. 


	6. Chapter 6

Rose was certain she was about to be proven right on her summer-awfulness theory.  John came home and she was expected to speak with him, to talk like everything was okay.  The first night of summer her mum told her they'd be going over to the Smith household for dinner.  Rose nearly groaned out loud.

She'd been with Steven the whole school year, and while she did really like him, she didn't feel strongly enough for him.  She wanted to feel something deep within her, but the only thing she felt that was close to that was when she was with John.  The very thought of that made her sick.

She treated John as an ex she had never dated.  She wore a light blue sundress that fell just above her knees, a silver pendant dropping down her chest.  Her makeup was simple and her hair fell in wavy tresses down her shoulders.  It was simple, she knew, but John had always said he liked a natural look, and what better time to give it to him than when she wasn't going to give it to him.  She slid on a ring that Steven had given her, for support to not jump John's sorry bones the second she saw him.

The Tylers went over to the Smith's a bit early to help set up for dinner, as John's cousin, Donna, was in town with her mother, Sylvia.  A right little family they made, and Rose enjoyed their company.  In a way, she was thankful they were there so she wouldn't have to associate with John quite so much. 

Donna hugged her tightly when she entered the house and promptly dragged her into the family room so they could sit down and chat.  Any weight that Rose felt in her chest lifted off of her as she talked to her old friend.  It was better than thinking about the other one she would have to see.

Of course, they were called into dinner all too early, and Rose stood shakily before following Donna into the dining room.  Wilf kissed her cheeks and Sylvia hugged her and John looked... Awkward.  Dead awkward, in fact.  He was watching her carefully.  She realized things would seem off if she didn't hug him, so she gave him a half-hearted, one armed one.  He didn't respond the way she did, instead wrapped both arms around her waist and held her close for a few seconds.  She sat on the opposite end of the table then him on purpose.

"Rose is getting her A-levels over the summer so she can go to Uni in the fall," Jackie announced proudly halfway through dessert. 

"Is that so?" Sylvia asked excitedly.  "That's brilliant, Rose!"

"Yeah, you're gonna love it, Rose," Donna assured her.  "Though you're gonna have to leave that boy of yours."

Rose blushed and scratched her head.  "Yeah, well, I'm sure he'll live.  We talked about the contact we're going to keep."

"You're still with him, then?" John asked, artfully not making eye contact with her.  Rose levelled her gaze on his eyes, even though he wasn't looking at hers.

"Yeah, I am."

"Treats her like gold, he does," Jackie said, "Opens doors, holds out chairs, he's a proper gentleman.  Don't know if she could find anyone better."

Rose smiled at her mum's approval.  "Yeah, I love having him around."

John seemed to pretend he hadn't heard that particular sentiment, instead, picked at his food.  Rose noticed.

"And you, John?" She asked, so cordially it wasn't even friendly.  "How's Melissa?"

John's eyes lifted to hers, and something seemed to click behind them, like he knew exactly what she was getting at.  "She's fine," he said curtly. 

"Really?" Wilf asked, furrowing his brows.  "We haven't heard much about the two of you over the past few months."

John shrugged.  "We're both busy, grandpa.  We do our best to make it work, under our busy circumstances."

This seemed to be taken as a good answer and they moved on to other dinner topics.  After the mean, John touched Rose's arm gently to get her attention.  "Do you want to go stargazing?"

He looked fragile, but she furrowed her brows and checked her watch.  "It won't be dark for another half hour."

"I'm impatient."

She weighed her options carefully in her mind as she watched his eyes.  Finally, she nodded slowly.  "Alright."

He let out an audible sigh and quickly shot towards the back door, shouting where they were going, Rose hot on his heels.  They went to their usual space, not where Rose had lain during the holidays to avoid it all.  Something about it felt sacred, and also wrong.  The last time they'd been there, he'd kissed her.  No, more than kissed her, he'd snogged her. And she'd snogged him back.  And she'd liked it, and her foolish high school self had drawn a future from it, and she'd told herself that he loved her.

How wrong she had been.

She let him lay down first and then followed, about a foot and a half between them, more than double the usual amount.  She folded her hands over her stomach and looked up into the sky, where the sun was now setting. 

The quiet that settled over them was awkward, and they both knew it, but neither was really making an effort to stop it.  John shifted around awkwardly several times, but never tried to get closer to her, only lay stiffly next to her.  The deafening silence continued until the stars had set and Rose was close to getting lost in them.

"I want to know why you're mad at me," he finally blurted out. 

She looked over at him, her gaze expertly cool.  "I'm not angry at you, John."

"Yes you are.  Ever since the holidays, you've been acting odd with me, like I've murdered your mum or something."  He sighed heavily.  "It's like you're disgusted to spend any time with me anymore, and I, for one, would like to know why."

"No."

"'No' what?  I know you're angry, so it can't be that.  'No' you've not been acting odd with me?  'No', you're not disgusted to spend time with me anymore?"  He was getting angry with her, and so she forced herself to be calm. 

"Just, no.  And why does it matter, anyway?"

"Because you're my best friend, Rose!  My very best friend, I've known you forever and I can feel you pulling away from me and I hate it!  Where can you be going that you don't want me with you!?"

"Somewhere safe!" Rose shouted, sitting up.  "You never got it, never picked up on anything I tried to say to you.  So I backed off, because it was safe, and Steven is safe, and it's all safe!"

"How am I not safe?" John sat up after her.  "It's always been you and me, Rose, I know everything about you, or at least, I thought I did.  Now I'm not so sure.  Why are you pulling away?  Do you even love Steven?"

"You have to love someone to date them?" Rose shot back.  "You must be elbow over arse in love with Melissa, then."

"When did this become about me?"

"It's always been about you, you just weren't paying attention," Rose got to her feet and started running through the park.  She could hear John behind her and so she stopped at the sting set, clutching a support pole.  He ran around in front of her, breathing heavily.

"What does that even mean?" John asked.  "Honestly.  I don't know what's going on anymore!"

"You never did!" Rose pressed the heels of her hands to her cheekbones, "You never knew me as well as you thought you did."

John froze, watching her intently.  "Whether you like it or not, part of this is about Steven."

"It's not," Rose spat.  "It's not about him, leave him out of this."

He started to get close to Rose, and she took another step back.  She kept going backwards until she hit the fixture one of the slides.  He touched her shoulders, his hands shaking.  "I don't mean anything to you anymore, Rose, do you know how that feels?"

"You meant everything to me, John," she said lowly, "And you were the one who kissed me before you left."

Realization dawned on his face and his hands dropped to her sides.  "Oh," he whispered.  "I'm so thick."

"Yeah."  Her heart sank.  How could she say it?  She'd held it back for so long and then she just blurted it out.  How awful. 

"We've both been thick."

"I haven't been."

"Yes you have.  You started-"

"-I moved on, John, I sort of had to, didn't I?  You bring a girl home and act like everything's okay when it's not.  Didn't you ever notice?"

She expected an answer.  She wanted an answer, desperately, but unfortunately, that is not what she got.  Instead, all of a sudden John was so close to her that her back was flush against the cold metal of the fixture and his mouth was over hers.  She gasped in surprise and he seemed to take it as an invitation, tracing her lip with his tongue.  She sobbed into his mouth and wrapped her arms around his neck, momentarily losing herself in him, just wanting to touch him, hold him, pretend they were in high school again and neither of them had significant others because really, they only wanted each other, always. 

He was shaking in her arms, and that made her feel powerful, something significant, but she didn't know how to place it.

And all of a sudden she felt dirty.  She was kissing another woman's boyfriend.  She pushed him off her suddenly, gasping for breath.  He stumbled back, watching her.

"What?"

"What do you mean, 'what'?" She ran her hands through her hair and choked on a sob.  "You disgust me, John Smith.  You've got a woman waiting for you on campus and I've got a man two miles up the road.  We're both dirty, filthy cheaters."

"But Rose-"

"We're disgusting, the pair of us.  Stay away from me, it really does hurt too much," she said, choking on sobs and not even seeing the look of complete and utter misery written all over his face as she ran from the park.


	7. Chapter 7

To be fair, Rose was significantly busy, working on getting her A-levels over the summer.  Steven would come over and help her with plenty of her work.  None of it was up to John, who asked Jackie every day where Rose was, and every day he got the same answer.  "Studying."  Or, occasionally, "Studying with Steven".

The thought made him unrealistically angry.  He wanted it to be him helping her succeed, not that random bloke she'd met in a bar, and when, exactly, had he become so important to her?  He hadn't seen her since he kissed her in the park, and yes, maybe that was wrong, but they'd both wanted it, he'd seen it in her face.

She only left the house to be with Shireen, who was very much caught in the middle of the two friends.  She was very close to pulling all her hair out since John and Rose always seemed to be free at the same time, but she knew perfectly well that she couldn't be hanging out with both of them at the same time.  She knew more than anyone that they were just stupid, the pair of them, daft as hell.

She told John she'd have to spend that evening with Rose, and he was gracious and understood, saying they'd catch up the next weekend.  Shireen agreed, already mentally exhausted, and headed over to Rose's house.

"You done studying?" Shireen asked cheerfully as she busted through the front door.  "I've brought pizza!"

Rose hooked around the corner to greet her friend and Shireen furrowed her brows.  "You look awful."

"Thanks, Shireen," Rose replied, taking the take away box from her friend.  "Been busy."

Shireen followed her into the house. "Yeah, with A-levels or Steven?"

"Both.  Simultaneously, he's helping me study.  I've been accepted to Uni, by the way."

Shireen let out a little squeal of excitement.  "You did?  Where?  You headed to the same one as John?" She couldn't resist asking.

"No," Rose said firmly.  "I'm headed to Cardiff."

"Cardiff?"

"Cardiff."

"Did you do that on purpose?" Shireen asked carefully, "To get away from him?"

Rose rolled her shoulders and watched her friend for a moment.  "Yeah, well, it's pretty awkward now.  He kissed me in the park two weeks ago."

"He what?!"  Shireen could practically feel her eyes bugging out of her head.  "What??"

"You heard right," Rose said mournfully, handing Shireen a plate.  "He asks me to stargaze, we start talking about the past, you know, like you do over the summer.  And then, all of a sudden, I sort of confessed, and he threw me up against a slide fixture in the park and snogged me."

"You've got to be kidding me."  Shireen's voice was bland.  "And you?"

"I let him," Rose said, "I'm the worst kind of person Shireen, a dirty cheater."

"It's not your fault."

"It's not like he made me do it!" Rose replied, "I wanted it, so I let it happen until I realized what was going on."

 "Is he still with Melissa?"

Rose shrugged, "I haven't a clue, but I'm assuming so.  So I just sort of... Ran.  I had to get out of there, I've got somebody, he's got somebody-"

"But you both want each other."

"That's not the point," Rose said quietly.

"But it is!" Shireen threw her hands up, frustrated.  "The both of you just need to dump your people and snog each other's brains out."

Rose flopped down onto the couch.  "He started it!  Bringing that girl home and doing all that garbage about caring about me."

"But you still love him."

Rose nodded.  "I still love him."

***

Shireen, ever the gossip, and very much sick of the sexual tension, heading right over to John's right after her night with Rose.  Sure, it was really late, about midnight, but that was fine, and she wasn't about to worry about it.  She knocked rapidly on his door until he opened it, looking sleep tousled and exhausted. 

"Shireen, when I said we needed to catch up, I did not mean in the middle of the night."

"I have to tell you something."

"Is it an apology for waking me up in the middle of the night?  Because you're just lucky gramps sleeps with ear plugs."

"No, it's not an apology and it's not about your grandpa and it won't take me long," Shireen was bouncing on the balls of her feet now, excited to blurt out what she had to say and see John's reaction.

John sighed, exhausted, and ran a hand through his hair.  "I'll bite, Shireen.  What's your story?"

"Rose is still in love with you."

John froze, his eyes suddenly glazing over.  "That's not funny, Shireen."

"It's not a joke," Shireen insisted, resisting the urge to grab him and shake him until he saw stars.  Or some sense, whichever came first.

"She was never in love with me," he responded miserably.

Shireen made a frustrated noise.  "Are you kidding?  She's always been in love with you, and it wasn't like you were kissin' on her all the time in high school.   Proper snogging, like you were both full grown adults."

"How do you-"

"She still tells me stuff, you idiot."

"I'm assuming she told you about, you know," he waved his hand vaguely, "In the park?"

"Yeah.  I wouldn't expect to hear anything about it from her, though.  She's trying to forget you because you hurt her."

"I didn't do anything to hurt her!"

Shireen snorted.  "You bring a girl home to the other girl who would do quite literally anything for you, but she was never going to say anything to you.  She loves you, and she wants you to be happy, so she's desperately trying to move on.  And now, she's going to Uni in Cardiff, away from you, if you noticed."

John lowered his gaze.  "She didn't tell me that she'd been accepted."

"Why would she?" Shireen asked gently, "She's trying to get away.  To set you free, sort of."

John, all of a sudden unable to take it anymore, sat down on his front stoop and put his head in his hands.  Shireen sat in front of him and looked up at him, waiting patiently for him to speak.  He gave a ragged sigh and raised his gaze to hers.  "I've been afraid to contact her.  She doesn't seem to want anything to do with me, how am I supposed to believe that she loves me?"

"You should call her.  Tomorrow.  As soon as possible."

There was a long silence.  John pressed his fingertips to his eyes and let out an odd choked sound.  "I love her."

"You're right idiots, the pair of you," Shireen said softly.  She reached forward and grabbed his shoulders.  "Then tell her."


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! The last chapter! Thank you so much for your support through this story, it's meant a lot <3 reviews are love!

Rose was feeling a bit frazzled, all the stress of her A-levels coming up, and packing for Uni, and all that madness.  Her days were spent running her hands through her hair and slamming her head on her desk in frustration.  Sometimes Steven was next to her, patiently waiting for her to finish freaking out so they could move on with her studying.  Every moment she felt more and more guilty, because she knew she didn't love Steven and had to let him go. 

"We have to talk," Rose said, her voice muffled by her textbook.

"What about?" Steven asked, leaning onto her desk to try and get a look at her face. 

She let out a long sigh and lifted her head.  "I think we need to break up."

There was a moment of silence, in which Steven drew his brows together and looked very confused indeed.  "What-" he cleared his throat, "What makes you say that?"

"It's not fair!" She shouted, slamming her face back in her book.  "It's not fair to you, or me, or anybody, and I want you to be happy.  You can't be happy with me.  You really can't.  And I... I can't be happy with you."

"Rose?  What's this really about?" He asked quietly, now sounding worried about her.  "If you want us to break up, I can't say I agree, but I want to understand.  I'm so happy with you, why would you think I couldn't be?"

Rose sat there and let out a long, anguished groan.  Steven waited for her to lift her head and speak, and when she did neither, he sighed quietly.

"Look at me."

Reluctantly, she pulled her head up from the desk and turned her body in her chair to face him.  "I am an awful person."

"No you're not."

"I am, I am," She held up a hand, "Do you want me to explain?  I feel like it'll hurt more if I explain." 

Steven watched her carefully.  "I want to know what's going on, yes."

"I'm in love with John.  I have been for a really long time.  And every day, I feel completely, indescribably guilty, because it's not fair to you and you've been so kind to me."  Rose let out a long breath, finally letting it all go.  "I love having you around, and I want you to be happy.  But I don't think you can be that happy with me"

"I know," he said quietly.

She blinked.  "What?"

"I know you love John," he clarified, "I can see it in your face whenever you bring him up.  I was selfish, trying to keep you from him.  I was afraid if you didn't want me around as a significant other, you wouldn't want me around as... Well... Anything else."

"You're not going to tuck and roll out of my life?" Rose asked, surprised.

Steven laughed, "No!  I do enjoy spending time with you, however I can.  But I think maybe the spark we thought was there was never really a spark."

"I think you're right," Rose replied.  "I'm sorry."

"You didn't do it intentionally," Steven reached out and squeezed her hand.  "And we can play the 'stay friends' card.  This has been a mutual thing, right?  I want you to be happy too, Rose."

She smiled and nodded.  "Friends card it is."

He returned her smile and they went back to studying, and Rose felt a heavy weight lift from her chest. 

Steven turned out to be a very close friend for the rest of the summer, and he taught her a lot of things and helped her to pass her A-levels with flying colors.  Shireen brought her a tub of ice cream to celebrate, and Rose was struggling to fill John's gaping hole in her life, even though she'd seen him a few times over the summer.  It was nothing like their childhood together, running through the park and stargazing and simply being together. She missed that, and every time they saw each other she could tell that he did too. 

The couple of meetings they had had been awkward, and there was almost an apology on his face.  She could read him so well, after knowing him for so long.  That look on his face wasn't an apology for kissing her, it was for something else, and she didn't know what it was.  Every so often, as the days went by, she wondered what it _did_ mean.  Sometimes every bit of him urged to scream at him to ask him why he looked like that when he looked at her.  It was easier to just be cordial with him and walk off. 

Until, that was, Shireen had a big summer bash and simply had to invite both of them.  Rose figured if she was going to go hang out in Shireen's back yard for several hours, she might as well look nice.  A light pink sundress and yellow daisy necklace paired with simple brown sandals suited her just fine.  She found herself nervous, and the nervousness made her nervous, so she headed out the door as quickly as possible. 

There was already a throng of people there when she arrived, and she almost immediately regretted her decision.  She had a week before she had to leave for Uni, and she wasn't really looking to be out partying, but the bass was already thumping when she got there, and some friends from school had seen her, so there was really no going back now.  She forced a smile on her face and headed into the party. 

Despite herself, she found herself having fun, dancing with her old friends and letting go for, really, the first time all summer.  She laughed and chatted up friends she hadn't talked to all summer, and other friends that had been doing the same A-levels-then-straight-to-Uni thing that she was.  It assured her to know that they hadn't really had lives over the summer either.

And then, as she suspected would happen, John came into the party, holding his hands in way that was almost wringing them, smiling politely as people waved at him.  She couldn't help but notice that he was heading right for her.

He was her best friend, and yet her heart was hammering in her chest as if she'd never seen another man in her entire life.  And in a way, she really hadn't.  It had always been John.  But it couldn't be him, she had to remind herself.  He had someone with him, and it was never going to be her.

"Hello," he said once he was in front of her, smiling.

She couldn't resist smiling back.  "Hello."

"I haven't seen you in awhile," he said conversationally.  "But I heard that you passed your A-levels!"

"I did!" Rose replied, bouncing on the balls of her feet. 

She could sense, somehow, that John wanted to hug her, and so she took a step forward to wrap her arms around his neck.  She was surprised at how fast his arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her to him.  She told herself he must not've noticed that his face was pressed into her neck.  They held each other for several long moments, and finally separated, though his hands remained on her waist longer than strictly necessary.

"Did you and Steven celebrate?" He asked casually, "Since he... He helped you study."

"Oh, yeah, he was a big help," Rose nodded, "But we broke up a little while ago."

"Oh!" He chirped, raising his eyebrows, than cleared his throat.  "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."

Rose shrugged a shoulder.  "It was a mutual thing."

They weren't alone together for very long, people talking to both of them at once, and so they separated, and Rose didn't see him for the rest of the night.  She bid Shireen goodbye, who tried to insist she find John before she leave, but Rose refused, saying she'd already talked to him that night and he wasn't missing her anyway. 

Shireen wanted to scream out of frustration.

Rose got home at midnight and only managed to throw on a nightie before falling into bed, trying to ward off thoughts of John from her mind.

She heard her doorbell ring at two o' clock in the morning and for a moment, did nothing about it.  She sat up in bed, her brows furrowed and hair mussed.  Then the knocking started.  Okay, so it was really good that her mum was going to be out all night.  She got out of bed and slid a dressing gown on over her nightie before padding down the stairs. 

The knocking was insistent, and, Rose had to admit, very, very irritating.  She was a bit miffed from being woken up, so she swung the door open with a "What?!"

John, who was on the other side of the door, blinked in surprise.  "I'm an idiot," he blurted out.

Rose's eyes widened.  "What?  John, It's two in the morning."

"I know, I couldn't wait any more."

"You didn't come in through the window."

"I've decided I want to be adult about this," he said quietly.

Rose stepped forward and leaned against the door frame, rubbing sleep from her eyes.  "Okay, what's wrong?" She asked gently.

"I'm an idiot."

"So you've said," Rose pulled her hand down from her face.  "But, you know, I'd kind of like you to tell me why you had to come over here at two in the morning to tell me that."

"Shireen helped me realize it, I guess," John began, "She made me realize that ever since I've been to Uni I've been a horrible person.  I've treated you awfully and pretended I didn't know why.  But I knew, but I was scared."

Rose closed her eyes, feeling a familiar pain rise up in her throat.  "Why are you scared?"

"I'm scared of you."

Rose's eyes quickly flew open.  "That doesn't make a damn bit of sense, John Smith, and you'd better start explaining yourself."

He held his hands out to her.  "May I?" He asked quietly.

She nodded and placed her hands in his, a wary expression on her face.  "Go on."

"I broke up with Melissa.  Ages ago, actually, right before I left for the summer.  I just didn't tell you because then, all of a sudden, you were with Steven and you seemed happy and I didn't want to mess everything up by telling you out of nowhere that I love you and-"

"Back up."

"Okay.  You seemed so happy and-"

"John!"

He threw her a little sheepish grin and took a step closer to her.  "I love you.  I have since we were teenagers.  I was with Melissa because I didn't want to do anything to hurt you."

"And you end up hurting me," She said quietly.

A pained expression took his face. "I know.  And that was awful of me, but I'm hoping you'll give me a chance, because honestly Rose, I don't think I can live without you."

She pulled her hands out of his, but before he could pull away, she cupped his cheeks in her hands, watching him carefully.  "I love you," she said, barely above a whisper.

He let out an odd little sob and leaned down slowly, giving her a chance to pull away, before kissing her.  Her hands slid from his cheeks to around his neck and she felt his sigh of relief as he crushed her body to him. 

It was perfect, a different feeling than when they were teenagers, because this was a commitment, a promise, that they not belonged to each other.

He opened his mouth over hers, and she let him in, aching to let him closer in any way possible.  She pulled back with a gasp a few minutes later, and reached up to trace her fingers down his cheek.  "Would you like to come inside?"

His eyes flicked to the open door and back to her.  "Your-your mum-"

"She's not home," Rose replied, suddenly feeling shy.  "If you don't want to, I guess-"

He pulled her against him and kissed her again.  "I want to," He said earnestly, "I have for ages, because I love you, Rose, and you're leaving in a week and I can't lose you."

"You won't lose me."  Rose promised, and led him inside.

Once inside, his mouth was on hers again, and he kicked the door shut ceremoniously behind him.  He led her up the stairs and lifted her up, forcing her to wrap her legs around his waist as he walked them back towards her bedroom.

"You remember where it is," she said breathlessly as he set her down and latched his mouth onto her neck.

He hummed in response against her and shoved her dressing gown off before returning to kiss her again, slowly, reverently, as if he'd never kiss her again.  Of course, Rose knew that was not true.  She'd kiss him forever if she could, and in fact, she wanted to. 

"Don't find any other boys at Uni," he demanded.

"Don't think I want to," Rose gasped as his mouth found the juncture between her neck and shoulder.

"They won't love you like I do."

"I love you too."

***

They lay in Rose's bed afterwards, clothes practically everywhere, Rose's head resting on John's chest, his hand up in her hair. 

"You're it for me," John said quietly.  "It's just you and me, forever.  Right?"

"Yes," Rose said simply.  "You and me, and that's it."

****

*Mini Epilogue*

A Twenty one year old John visited an eighteen year old Rose in Cardiff as often as he could, walking with her and holding her at quite possibly every opportunity. 

A twenty one year old John Smith nearly sped driving home from London to meet an eighteen year old Rose Tyler for the holidays.  Sometimes he forgot he had other family when he was with her.

A twenty two year old John Smith assured a nineteen year old Rose Tyler that it was a good idea to only get a two year degree.  He had a surprise for her.

A twenty three year old John Smith proposed to a twenty year old Rose Tyler on her graduation day.  (The pictures were spectacular)

A twenty four year old John Smith married a twenty one year old Rose Tyler.  The love of his life.

Forever.


End file.
